Grace that is Greater
If we are created in the image of God, what happens if our concept of Him is misguided? If we are taught that we must uphold a standard to gain God’s approval, what happens when we fail to meet that standard? Does God become angry and unforgiving?
Robert giving his testimony at graduation in September (2020)
By the time Robert arrived at His Mansion in May of 2019, these questions and a considerable amount of anger had brought his life to a standstill. Unable to work because of depression, he felt that he had failed God and had no hope for salvation.
Growing up, Robert knew there was only one “acceptable” way to live: you don’t share your feelings, you don’t talk about your problems, there is only one way to worship Christ, and God may condemn you to hell if worshipped incorrectly. As his relationship with God, Robert’s earthly relationships were distant. He felt that he was expected to present a version of himself that was “put together.” He was expected to fit in with others and even play sports. The problem was that for Robert, sports did not come easy, connecting with others was difficult, and he never felt that he truly fit in. He became very involved in ministries, and even went to Bible College because he “wanted to do what was acceptable.”
“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”
Just before college, he began to develop an addiction to pornography. This addiction caused Robert to feel that any good he did was overshadowed by these habits he had developed. After three years, feeling spiritually dead and powerless against his addiction, Robert went to his dad and to a counselor at his college for help. Suggesting that he “dive into the Word,” Robert’s counselor set him on a path to a relationship with God that helped him stop his addiction and be interested in a personal relationship with Christ for the first time.
Robert and his traveling college ensamble (2015)
After graduating, Robert pursued a job that paid well and included benefits instead of working in ministry. Because he still believed in the works-based God of his childhood, Robert felt that denying a vocation in the church compromised his relationship with Christ. Guilt overwhelmed him and he began to obsess about the prospect of his damnation.
Robert soon began to struggle with depression and anxiety. Panic attacks began and he felt no sense of identity or goals in life. Robert’s lack of identity and purpose caused his relationship with his girlfriend to end poorly and for him to lose his job. Having lost everything that he thought gave his life meaning, Robert sunk deeper and deeper into his despair.
Due to his depression and suicidal ideations, Robert’s parents helped him find Honey Lake Clinic in Florida. There, Robert felt heard and validated by his counselor. She helped him understand that his view of God was skewed, and that he could live a healthy, happy life through fulfilling relationships with God and others. Knowing he needed more help, his counselor recommended His Mansion, and in the spring of 2019, Robert arrived in New Hampshire.
“My early months in the program were extremely difficult. I was extremely angry. I was angry at God and basically everyone. Especially those that believed in and trusted God.” Robert initially isolated himself, but the Lord never stopped reaching out to Robert, using the very people he was angry with to change his heart.
Robert and a fellow graduate celebrate the transformation that the Lord has done in their life (2020)
At a worship service, the worship leader confessed his struggle with unbelief. This challenged the lie Robert had believed that to be a true Christian you had to "have it all figured out," helping him begin to realize that spiritual brokenness qualified him for the healing of Christ.
One weekend, the pastor at a Sunday service spoke of Jesus and His visit with the leper. This deeply touched Robert, and he began to feel more connected, not to a legalistic Jesus, but to a Jesus that cared for his heart, not his good works. If Jesus touched and healed a leper, perhaps Robert, too, could find healing from the Lord. Slowly, Robert began to connect with those around him. “I found out that Jesus continues to pursue me and that my leprosy doesn’t scare him. It actually draws his heart out more to me.” Driven by the love of Christ, Robert took the time to work through his pain instead of avoiding it, and he experienced Christ deeply and personally as the one who heals all shame.
Now, as a Servant Leader for Residents that have come to His Mansion after him, Robert acknowledges that, “Experiencing God’s love for me is hard...It’s still a process of growth. Now, I just have so much more hope. I know Christ better than I ever have before. I know that Jesus is not legalistic and judgmental. After all, Christ did not come to the world to condemn the world, but that the world could be saved through him.”